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Icing bright in a saccharine vein.
The spoons of crystal treasure
that spawn infernal pleasure.
They  help relieve the growing pain
of the self-destructive Cain.

Dark candies float on foetid breeze.
Of numb arm, dark rings.
Sweet, little pinprick stings
A voice to make the hearts blood freeze.
Says can you pass the sugar please?
Can you pass the sugar please?
Please?   Sugar?
©2006-2009 ~sickofpissingabout
:iconsickofpissingabout:

Author's Comments

Attempt 2 Still not sure... speak all those whe read.

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconrustygonzo:
AHHH~! So beautiful.

I love the use of vocaublary, most of all, but wow -- your sense of structure is outstanding.



If you wouldn't mind looking at my three poems and giving a critique, I would be delighted. :D Of course, you don't have to, though.

:+fav:

--
Could it be seen; caught in the eye.

Gallery: [link]
:icondoranobaka:
Hmm, very interesting. I like the imagery and the allusion to addiction, and I very much like how you hint at what the addiction is but don't outright say it. I think it works very well overall.

--
Original Art and Discount Prints! [link]

[link] -- Prints; [link] -- Stock Account; [link] -- Serial Web-Novel
:iconsickofpissingabout:
Thanks. It sounded better in my head.

--
Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
:iconsickofpissingabout:
Thanks and of course I shall, but not tonight, it is 0420 here and I must hang upside-down for a few hours.
you shall have my worthless comments on the morrow.

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Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
:iconrustygonzo:
Whoosh, alright. Sounds good!

--
Could it be seen; caught in the eye.

Gallery: [link]
:icontuff-chic:
wicked...expression and imagery are seemingly intense...keep working on it!It's going great!

--
dh - 'The Wailing Soul'
:iconsickofpissingabout:
Many thanks but I remain unsure about this one.

--
Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
:iconupsidedown-insideout:
hey so sorry it's taking me a long time to comment
I loved this one!
and I loved the reference to Cain
'of the self-destructive Cain.'
I thought it fitted in wonderfully
Whereas I love how it's phrased
I personally thought 'please sugar' would have suited better than 'sugar please' at the end, but clearly you changed it around for a reason, that's just my opinion, because of the rhyming scheme and flow, which by the way I loved throughout the poem, [until that last line.]
:heart:

--
If it's just a game, then what are we crying for?
:iconsickofpissingabout:
Thanks very much. I could not make up my mind about that last line, but I think you may be right.

--
Do I look like a fuckin' people person?

Details

November 25, 2006
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