Icing bright in a saccharine vein.
The spoons of crystal treasure
that spawn infernal pleasure.
They help relieve the growing pain
of the self-destructive Cain.
Dark candies float on foetid breeze.
Of numb arm, dark rings.
Sweet, little pinprick stings
A voice to make the hearts blood freeze.
Says can you pass the sugar please?
Can you pass the sugar please?
Please? Sugar?















Comments
I love the use of vocaublary, most of all, but wow -- your sense of structure is outstanding.
If you wouldn't mind looking at my three poems and giving a critique, I would be delighted.
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Could it be seen; caught in the eye.
Gallery: [link]
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Original Art and Discount Prints! [link]
[link] -- Prints; [link] -- Stock Account; [link] -- Serial Web-Novel
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Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
you shall have my worthless comments on the morrow.
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Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
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Could it be seen; caught in the eye.
Gallery: [link]
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dh - 'The Wailing Soul'
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Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
I loved this one!
and I loved the reference to Cain
'of the self-destructive Cain.'
I thought it fitted in wonderfully
Whereas I love how it's phrased
I personally thought 'please sugar' would have suited better than 'sugar please' at the end, but clearly you changed it around for a reason, that's just my opinion, because of the rhyming scheme and flow, which by the way I loved throughout the poem, [until that last line.]
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If it's just a game, then what are we crying for?
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Do I look like a fuckin' people person?
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